Why Do People Have Children ?

by: Carmen H. Wilkinson

As a small child I sometimes pondered ‘Why do people have Children?’ Growing up one thing I noticed early on was my grandmother had a large family. When I say a large family, well she was one of ten and she had six children of her own. On top of her own children she helped take care of her grandchildren and her ailing mother. When my grandfather’s mother was ill she too moved to our county along with her daughter who at the time didn’t work. My grandmother helped to raise and support many people other than just her and her husband. I don’t ever remember my grandmother working outside of home but she worked in the garden and in the kitchen. In her spare time she would crochete or sew. When she finished working in the family garden she was always eager to share some of her fresh vegetables with a friend, relative, or neighbor.
I remember my Aunt the youngest child of my grandmother’s helping to take care of me a lot as a small child. I can remember her helping to make sure I had bath water ran and that I went to sleep on time. I also remember helping her sweep the floors and wash dishes. I remember my Aunt helping with alot of things. She was the youngest of my grandmother’s six children. At night time when I stayed at my grandmother’s home I would have to sleep in my Aunt’s room. Sometimes I slept in her bed but if it was more than one grandchild staying over I may have to sleep on a pallet on the floor.
Every Sunday after church someone always came to my grandmother’s home to visit. I remember there was always food on the table and lots of company. You never knew who would show up for a Sunday meal. Of course it was usually one of my grandmother’s many siblings and often times their children and grandchildren. They would come to visit with their ‘mother’ who was bedridden and well taken care of by my grandmother. I still wandered why people had children.
Sometimes the conversations on the front porch would revolve around things from the ‘Good ole Days’ as they called it. My grandmother’s brother and she or her sisters would talk about days of ole gone by when they were growing up. They would discuss milking a cow before school or working a garden. They would talk about ways their mother would nurse them when they cut their toe. They’d talk about taking a sweet potato in a paper sack for lunch to school. All of these stories seemed interesting and so long ago.
When I grew up I had children of my own. Luckily my grandmother was still living. She no longer had a large crowd every single Sunday for dinner. She claimed she couldn’t even make home made biscuits any more. I grew up eating her hot buttered biscuits. I loved them as much as I adored her sweet tea.
As a child I always knew I would some day like to be a mother. The idea of having a family of my own appealled to me. I suppose in some ways I tried to rush growing up. I wanted a husband to love me and children to love. I figured if I had children that I would be such a good mother that I would always be loved.
One day I got really sick. I had actually been sick for a while and had made several trips to the doctor. My health continued to decline and I was extremely weak. After realizing the doctor I had been seeing was not in a rush to take my health serious I decided it was time to go else where. I wound up in a nearby hospital and they took my health very serious. It was a good thing too because I nearly died. Upon entering that hospital, although I had been to the other one the day before and to my dr. the day before that; I was admitted. Once admitted I was given a total of four pints of blood over a two day period and then a much needed hysterectomy.
I honestly didn’t think I was going to live through surgery and I had cried myself to sleep the night prior to surgery. Between the loss of blood and the fear of being put to sleep I was engrossed with fear.
It was the same aunt who helped bathe me as a small child that took me to the hospital and let my husband know what the doctor’s where doing with me. My husband got my two children off to school and immediately was at my side. The next several days the last thing I could worry about was my children. I loved them. My only concern was not being able to see them grow up which broke my heart. I was seriously that close to death.
My oldest child was 18 and my youngest was 9. It was my oldest child who brought my youngest child to see me. Both of my children helped do their own laundry and pack lunches. My husband stayed with me the night of surgery and my 18 year old made sure my 9 year old got off to school on time the next day.
Luckily I did survive surgery and I came home the day after. Upon returning home my children and my husband all pitched in. My youngest child would get clothes out of the dryer and do other little errands for me. My oldest son cooked dinner and took out garbage and washed dishes. My husband attended to my every whim. They each made sure that I didn’t pick up anything over five pounds or lift anything above my head.
Recently I was talking to a friend who had a surgical procedure where metal plates where put into her neck. She too has a child. She was telling me how wonderful her daughter had been with helping her. She had also been sick from the medication she was given and her daughter called for help when her mother needed rushing back to the hospital.
Upon my conversation with my friend I reflected back over my entire life span. It was during those times of reflection I realized why people have children. Of course people have children to carry on the family name and to have heirs. They have children because they love their spouse and they want a family of their own. People also have children and love and protect them and take care of them so when they need the nurturing returned it will be done. I am certain few people if any feel that way, it is farrest from their mind. I am a firm believer though, if you love and nurture your family then in your time of need, they too will love and nurture you. They will not desire to do so not just because it is the ‘Right Thing to Do.’ They will simply do it because they love you and they will love you because you loved them first! That my friend is why people have children! It like anything else good in life, it all begins and ends with love. Same way my grandmother took care of her mother who had taken care of my grandmother as a small child.

What Moves Ya?

In so many ways one can be like a child. Easily excited by the most simple things. With some their olfactory senses control their moods and drive their ambitions. They may smell that sweet smell of fresh cut grass and it bring a smile to their normal downturned lips. Others may hear a frog singing as they drive through a back country road.  To some their passion is in just being near those they love, whether family or their family pet.

Everyone has something that touches their heart. Everyone has something that ‘moves them’. The sad reality is sometimes those things that move you get lost in this world because you are so busy ”adulting”.  It is imperative that you take the time and enjoy life. Life is just a vapor, Exactly the way the good Book describes it! Poof! It’s here today and gone tomorrow.

There is a cliché that says growth and change can be painful. I have never had any kind of growth or change in my personal life that wasn’t! Sometimes in order to preserve your own family, your own happiness you have to set healthy boundaries with some very unhealthy people. Often time that is met with resistance. It’s ok. With time, faith, love and patience, everything comes to full circle.

Allow the things that ‘move you’ to be the things you cherish and and focus on. Whether it is watching a sunset or your favorite program on television. It doesn’t matter. Everyone has their own thing. The only time to get scared is when nothing can ‘move you’ anymore and you become apathetic.

When Your The Younger Woman

Dealing with less than kind adult step Children

by: Carmen Wilkinson

You have heard it said that dealing with step children can be difficult. You are not their parent. If you are wise you never try and take that person’s place, simply put You can’t. The same way a dog will love it’s master no matter what the master does to it, kick it, beat it, starve it, children cling to their parents. Now imagine that you inherit almost grown step children. That my friend is a whole new ball of wax. But, what if not only are those children almost grown you are only 10 years older than them? That my friend can be a MONSTER.

First off, you can not choose who you love. I know a young woman whose husband is fifteen years older than she. She is wife number three and had nothing to do with her husband and his first wife divorcing. She fell in love with him and they got married when she was 30. She was so happy to inherit his children because she loves children. He always spoke well of his daughter and she couldn’t wait to meet her. She had met the son when he was 13. The son was a cool kid and she adored him too.

At first glance she thought, “Wow. I’ll have someone to go shopping with and we can do some fun girl stuff life will be great.” Sadly, this wife had no idea her step daughter was a selfish, narcissist bitch. From day one this step daughter began showing major signs of disrespect. She and her husband were too blind to see it.

The husband spent countless hours working on painting the girl a car for her highschool graduation. He found a small car that belonged to a grandma and bought it. It had good tires and ran good. He was so excited. He painted it with love and care. He took the entire engine apart, added new hoses, went over it with a fine tooth comb. Gave it to her and she was not so happy with it. It wasn’t long and she wrecked it. He fixed it and gave it back. Then she cracked the head and he fixed it and gave it back. Then she messed it up again and he bought it back from her. She wanted something better.

The wife still loved the step daughter and tried everything she could to include the girl in their family life. When the girl got married the wife threw her a shower and invited people. She gave the girl thank you notes, stamps and envelopes. She gave the girl addresses. All she asked was that the girl send out thank yous. People started telling the step mom that they never got a ”Thank You” note. The step mom EVEN invited the real mom who didn’t even speak to her at the shower.

Time went on and the dad and the step mom allowed the girl to live in their rental property. They asked that she pay her lights and water and garbage bill. Otherwise, it was rent free. The girl never paid anything. Then the girl and her her husband moved out. Soon she had a child. After that she quit speaking to the dad or the step mom. Her child was 2. The step mom had exhausted all attempts. The father went to the see his daughter and she wouldn’t speak to him.

She kept her child out of his life. Then she divorced her husband and remarried. She invited everyone in her father’s family except her father, his wife, her adopted half brother and her baby brother who was a year older than her own child. She made sure that noone told her father about the marriage. This was the lowest of the lows. Meanwhile the step son had been close with his Father and his step mom. But even he succumbed to her poison. He and his sister had been best friends. He had a much higher moral character and was more laid back.

It didn’t matter that the mother in law had talked about how horrible wife one was. It didn’t matter if the step mom had heard horror stories about how wife one treated her children. It didnt matter that the step mom was told that the mom of her step children had them living in filth and they had to fen for themselves. She had been deplorable to her children and initially lost custody of them. NONE of that mattered.

All that mattered was the step daughter hurting her father and step mother, ignoring her half brother and acknowledging she had any family connection with her father and his new family.

Who knows why? It doesnt matter. The point is, If you are a step parent remember:

1. The kid doesn’t hate you because you are you they hate you becausee you love their parent.
2. The step child has unresolved demons they are dealing with and perhaps they never will come to grips with them.
3. If your spouse can live without them in their life, you certainly can.
4. You do not under any circumstances have to put up with harrasment of any kind .